Confronting My Demons

So we all have problems some big, some small but just over 2 years ago I made arguably the biggest mistake of my life. I had struggled before for many years (since I was 18 although I started from 11) with a gambling problem, depression and anxiety but this story delves deeper and shares how I confronted these and where I am today. So let’s start where it all began…

The Early years

The gambling itself started at a young age, my dad not knowing the potential consequences introduced me to it at the age of 12, it was harmless back then. I would pick multiple teams in a football coupon, he would then bring it to the shop place it with a few pounds if I won I would get the money. It was almost like some father son bonding (considering our difficult relationship it was important, another post perhaps) but it was more than that. Growing up I wasn’t always a happy child, in fact arguably the most important thing between me and clinical depression was probably sports. It was the only thing that kept me going during my weakest hours. I remember school, I hated it really but the reason I went was lunchtime when we would play football or if we had P.E I was even happier. But that was it; I made no effort in school with anything bar a few subjects that somehow I managed to at least attempt to show an interest in.

My old champions’ league football

Growing up

Then at the age of around 13 after spending the summer with my gran, I had gone played football with my uncle that summer. I remember a big argument, never really fully gauged what it was about but the same day he stormed out that was the last time I saw him.  A few months later he was found dead, apparent suicide. I felt guilty, had the interaction between my gran and him had an impact on this? The only reason he had come over was to spend some time with me. It was the first death that I had really experienced in the family but I remember saying to myself “I am going to be strong for mum; I’m not going to cry”. I had done so well, but at the funeral as things came to a close and we saw the coffin disappearing for the cremation I could not hold it in, the song I chose also started playing and the tears came flooding out.

Mental health had always been a problem on my mum’s side especially in the males, her dad was an Alcoholic, one brother had been in a home due to this and of course the death I just mentioned. This made my relationship with sports even more important to me I needed something to cling onto. In school at least I could play it every day it was like a release, and opportunity to express myself.

My Dad

I wasn’t really sure how to add/order everything so this is a little side note on to give some understanding on why I previously mentioned the difficult relationship between me and my dad.

Touching on my Dad, its a sensitive topic but as I mentioned before growing up we didn’t have the best relationship. It felt like it was always a competition with him he always wanted to show me that I couldn’t do something as opposed to encourage me. He would put me down, name call and had numerous nicknames for me, but the thing that really made it so much more difficult was him hitting me as a child, me and my siblings in fact. I remember feeling so helpless as a child and looking back I know the reasoning was not right, it was all part of this enforced way of showing his dominance. Once I became a teenager this all changed though and I was the one with the anger problem, but it was very much directed at him. Any opportunity to argue with him I would take and challenge him, but suddenly he would back down. It was confusing not only did he begin to back down he also started encourage me instead of putting me down. It was too late though a lot of damage had been done and whilst I eventually grew out of this angry phase it certainly took its tole on our relationship. I would note he has changed significantly and is fairly supportive in my life now, but I cant help but feel growing up these factors had a major part to play in so many aspects in my life including the low confidence and self-esteem.

More Bad News..

Fast forward a year and another uncle on my mum’s side had a severe stroke. This has a massive impact on my mum and I remember the confusion what was happening. His chances of survival were so very slim and when we visited he was in a coma. I remember my mum was staying at my grans in Ealing, we still continued with school. I would discuss it every day with my science teacher hoping that he could tell me something that would assure me that everything was going to be okay. Somehow that he would recover, surly everything was going to be okay? I remember being at my aunts place a few doors away whilst my mum was away they were helping to look after us kids, did I mention I have a brother and two sisters? I was big into football, Liverpool crazy and we were in the champion’s league final Istanbul! Half of my mind was present watching the game the other was thinking I wonder what’s happening with my Uncle, and is my Mum okay. It was the spirit of the champion’s league final that had inspired so many in years to come the greatest comeback ever and why can’t this be taken from a football match and put into reality, because it was what my Uncle had done, with the smallest of chances he had pulled through. However the damage that was done by the stroke was hard to see, his speech was slurred, he could not walk and his grip was very weak.  But he was still fighting!

The Sun sets just as it rises

A few more months past, he was still slowly recovering it was becoming clear his life would never be the same again. Though the fact that he was still there, awake and present it was still a miracle. One evening coming home from school, I bumped into a family friend and they said to me sorry for your loss, it had appeared they had just come from my house.  I was confused, I ran home the remaining few hundred metres and as I came in I knew something had happened, it was not the uncle who had thought through but another one had passed away on my mums side, the uncle who had spent many years in care after suffering a mental breakdown some years back. It felt like this pain and constant flow of bad news was never going to stop.  I remember thinking is this what it’s like to grow up? Yet again driving me through all this was sports, going to school day in day out during everything it was sports. That association only grew stronger.

University!

Then years had passed, I had just come back from the experience of my life going to Tanzania. Everything was brilliant, for the first time in years I had felt happy. I was in Tanzania for 6 weeks, no TV, no mobile phone and no stress! It was without doubt the best experience for me but the moment I landed back in London suddenly the stress was back the anxiety the depression. I was 17 turning 18 and I needed to decide whether to go to university or turn it down and retake exams and look to teach (I had taught in Tanzania and found I was actually pretty good at it). What a decision I made, maybe a mistake but I chose to go for it continue with my original course choice “event management” at Plymouth University. “Hold on did I say Plymouth!?” okay second choice University but yes I said “okay let’s not waste a year let’s do it”. I just turned 18 too, I was suddenly an adult and all these decisions and it stressed me out so much. Suddenly there was no outlet for me, no one around to play sports or socialise with. Then I made a decision at the time it seemed harmless and little did I know it would have been so instrumental to my own downfall some years later. I opened an online account with a sportsbook (betting shop), suddenly it was too easy to bet and gamble but it did give me a break release from all the stress. I lost £80 in a day and I thought “oh no this is really bad!” That use to cause a panic but it’s laughable now. I closed that account and that was that surely?

So here was university all on my own, I had missed freshers and more in this hasty decision. I had barely any money waiting on student finance; I said how can I make some money and the worst thing that could have happened to me happened to me. I opened another account with another site and I had won big, £2000 up in my first day. That knowledge of winning was like a golden ticket, in my head I had found a way to live forever, or so I thought. It did last a fair while over a week in fact yet I didn’t withdraw it yet. I decided that I needed to multiply it and make it into something more, surly it was easy enough. A few days later it had all gone, I was mortified but surely I could just do it again? How wrong was I!? Soon enough the money had dried up and it seemed I was starving myself, I was losing weight rapidly. But this behaviour it wasn’t just a distraction and outlet for the depression it was self destructive a trait so many who suffer from depression show. Whilst depressed my days consisted of sleeping for many hours, not leaving the house and gambling if I could. If I didn’t have that opportunity I spent the most part sleeping, its like all my energy had been zapped from me.  I felt week and helpless and the lack of social interaction most certainly didn’t help, one thing that did keep me going was looking forward to seeing my partner at Christmas time.

If only I had some at the university…..

Then came Christmas back home and in a safe place, I was so happy to be back and oh I really ate, not only that I went out with my then GF for the first time and it was like everything was okay again. Then my student loan came in and the first thing I did was to gamble it still hoping to do what I had done before and really stretch it out. This was a real lesson after losing it all; my partner helped me but it was not really the right help though not her fault she raised more money for me to gamble in the hope we could turn it around. It’s pretty crazy when I think about it now. It was hopeless but I had no choice, I came clean to my parents and broke down my dad had an idea I had been gambling but didn’t realise it became so bad. He helped me in the coming months, I know he felt like he had influenced me and the truth is he had but it was also that connection that I got from sports. It seemed the only way I could get it now the only thing that stopped me sinking into the lonesome world of depression but even that wasn’t always enough. Months passed and I was doing well really well, though the temptation was there from time to time I managed to resist for so long, instead of spending the money on that each week I would buy something small from play.com it was small tiny gadgets but it wasn’t about them but having something to look forward to.

The winter had passed, we were well into spring and I was doing okay I had taken up a job working at a glass factory for the summer, it would keep me going and help me save some money up for the upcoming year. Then I had some money come in and I cracked again, I was like a broken record I was never happy enough, there just wasn’t anything that gave me the same momentary feeling that sports and gambling combination gave me, this time there were no real consequences. The summer passed and I was back at university this time I was managing things so much better yet it didn’t stop me from gambling but I did manage to always pay my rent and even invest in some products to sell. I was more focused and determined I hadn’t had the need to gamble or waste my money I was doing fine. Suddenly some news came through my Granddad was taken to hospital, I didn’t fully understand but it seemed his chances were slim. He lived with us for my whole life it was rather distressing and I got the first coach (yes coach, an awful way to travel but so cheap!) back to London. He did pass away a few days later which was confusing as he was seemingly getting better, he spoke and was looking strong but then took a turn for the worse. It was once again a difficult time my partner gave me space but the truth is that was not what I needed. I felt alone and weak everyone was grieving but I didn’t know how to deal with it, once again the only thing I knew was gambling yet it wasn’t out of control weirdly enough, I still had money and as time passed I was managing far better.

Moving on to the next year of university and suddenly it was me and my partner (at the time) at university it was a much better year there was no denying it. We hung out all the time and everything generally speaking was going okay considering, still had some issues with my depression but I was managing better and far more active. Then she decided the course and possibly university in general was not for her. I was on my own again though I had some friends it was never really enough to keep me content, gambling was there and there abouts but not so bad as before.

Work and my breakdown

So I fast forward even further jobs came and went and came again, I had worked my way up a company. I remember turning a job down for my partner at the time and wow that was probably a mistake as it was a chance at some serious independence and might have been what I needed. Many jobs it worked like this, salary came in I spent money on travel and then the rest would go on gambling bar a little bit. Sometimes it would last a long time sometimes it could be gone in a day. Somehow I always got by and even managed to still go out from time to time.

Then came my opportunity, I was given a great role at a place I had worked on and off for just over a year.  Soon enough though the job became a sleep work routine and I had continued gambling accumulating a number of big debts not knowing what to do constantly being harassed by these companies. It felt once again like I was in the dark the only way I knew how to get such money was through gambling I mean I had sometimes made up to £8k of course only to blow it a all. The pressure of life was getting too much and I saw no way out, it was all like a dream and in my head at the time it was like I didn’t think about it. I mean not to long before I had used up holiday money I was meant to use to pay for me and my partner to go away, soon enough I used euros she had been saving it was getting way out of control and in that moment I would have understood if she couldn’t deal with it. But things kept going and then came the opportunity surely once and for all it could all be done with I could have a clean slate I took money from works takings and it did go well to begin with, too well in fact and that is always the hook. The gambling company started inviting me to things as well it wasn’t right, a company I had actually self-excluded from sent me a flyer some months back and stupid me set up another account enticed by the free opportunity. I was up £22k, but as quickly as that built up it disappeared it’s all so vivid now and it’s so cloudy it was me but it wasn’t me it got out of control and I only dug myself deeper. It was like the worse I felt the more self destructive my behaviour was and gambling and debt are a very vicious circle. You gamble initially to feel better but then you lose all this money, then as you have once won the only way you see yourself making back the money is to gamble and once again when feeling awful you keep going back. It almost gives a reason to live, that reason being to have to find a way to get that money back. It sounds crazy I know but it really did feel like that at the time, but suddenly it became so much more than that.

I soon realised what I had done, the realisation hit me and it wasn’t real, it didn’t make any sense at all. How had this happened, but there was no time to think about that, it was how do I sort this out. I felt alone again in the world so empty, it’s like every time that feeling was there I turned to gambling which say a lot. I talked things over with my partner I got help from NHS and I soon realised I wasn’t alone. For many years my partner, well she had always been the focus, I always looked at her problems and the truth is I rather neglected myself. She helped me a lot and we decided I should speak to my employer about it take responsibility before someone else gets the blame. I did this and they did what they had to do to report it, long story short it turned my life upside down. Yet during that my partner had been so supportive and I was suddenly so confused by this and amazed at the person within her. I will definitely always remember that but the story doesn’t end there.

Finding Support

During the process of court action ect, I was starting to put my life back together, I had got another job one that actually provided me with satisfaction and further to this I was getting help for my problem both the depression and the gambling. I didn’t realise before the support that was out there and my partner she was amazing so supportive, I was so keen to help her too. She travelled to India before things the outcome was decided, I tried as much as I could to help her plan and prepare for it. I felt sad she was going but I tried hard to show support to her as it was always her dream and of course I knew travelling meant a lot to her. The job kept me occupied and we were really good for it all, things were okay even whilst she was away. I was on the best and straightest path I had been on for years. Then it happened the decision enough trouble to lose my job firstly, my confidence was shattered. I was back to square one and further to this a job in the future was going to be so hard to get now. Although I know I fully deserved this it was so hard after spending time rebuilding myself and even having the opportunity to put things right with me offering to pay everything back. But it wasn’t to be and I would not get this second chance at what I wanted, I was a broken man, everyone knew about it and I was ashamed, humiliated but somewhat supported.

Losing something special

Suddenly time was passing again and I was determined to do something for my partner we organised a party for her as she wasn’t able to celebrate her birthday with everything that was going on. I made pizza we organised games fun and music for her guests a great night. Over the next few months I was clingy and needy and weak, I know that, I had been broken again I had done it to myself many times before but this time I really needed to keep going and I did. It felt like I had lost so much and I knew rebuilding was going to be tough but I was determined to do it, her anger grew stronger as I knew she was frustrated and keep to travel. One time she broke down and I said “go and do it if you want to but I am going to miss you!” My selfish needs to have her in my life; she had been with me for well over 7 years and was the biggest bit of stability. We had spent night after night together for the past 3 years and were there for each other, through my troubles and through many of hers too. But this one was a big one and I knew it, yet she had been so supportive, I thought “she is amazing”.

Then I had my chance she was heading to Portugal for a few weeks holiday, I said to myself here is my chance to get myself sorted. I started dieting as I part of my transformation was to lose weight and get healthy. It was going really well and I was doing brilliantly, I also started researching business opportunities and how I could start my own thing up. But whilst she was away I started noticing things were not quite right her behaviour was off and I could sense that but it made me needier and clingy as a result it was difficult as I couldn’t work it out. So a few weeks passed and she was coming back, I planned a dinner for her return to do something nice for her, I cooked planned this 5 course meal. It was the full works and no short cuts, with her favourite dishes from around the world and with the aim to bring a smile to her face. My senses didn’t like what I was feeling though, she couldn’t even look me in the eye, she was different and then things came out. She wanted to travel and she had decided this, but then she also wanted to be free. It was so confusing and over the next few days we talked about things, and there is was maybe this was all about the things that had happened and it felt like everything was thrown my way. We had been through so much together, I remember her problems with Anxiety, weight, depression and self-harm I was always there for her but suddenly she didn’t want to be for me. It was hard as I felt so much was being thrown my way and I certainly would have understood it a few months back even a year back but now it was really difficult. There had to be more to this it wasn’t making sense, only a few months before she had written the loveliest letter to me expressing her love and how nothing could ever come between us.

Romance is dead

I was right of course there was and after spending a few weeks tormenting me with reasons about me and her going back to her dads for a while she came to visit and told me. Whilst she had been away in Portugal she took it upon herself to cheat on me, she didn’t seem to feel much guilt which really hurt me the most. It wasn’t the fact our relationship was ending it was the hurt and pain from someone I would have trusted with my life. It was the way it was done, I felt manipulated for so many weeks, I was made to feel guilty so guilty about everything. I just couldn’t understand it and then to behave as a victim in it all was even more difficult to see. I wanted to rip the guys throat out but who could really blame me I wanted to understand and instead that same night I was left speaking via text to her best friend, who had taken it upon herself to prevent us conversing and leaving me in utter turmoil. I could lose everything else but not her, not now and not this way.

We spoke in the weeks that followed, she had to get her stuff, I couldn’t quite believe the cheek though after a little bit of sorrow she showed one night calling me apologetically but then it was back to being all me and it was like for her we were even now. Whenever I brought up what happened it was always but you did this, and for me it just meant I never really got closure. I was on my own and suddenly that loneliness was stronger than ever. I had never felt so much pain in my life, I had never felt so betrayed in my life and after everything to end like this it didn’t feel right. For me it’s like someone has hurt a loved one and instead of helping them you finish the job stick the knife further in. I would have ended on good terms if I could have and would have ultimately supported whatever she wanted but instead my best friend for over 7 years was gone into the distance and putting a stranger ahead of me.

I can certainly take my share of the blame, I was weak and I wasn’t the best person in the world but I knew in my heart that I didn’t deserve this. I was waiting and hoping to see the person that I remembered the kind-hearted understanding person. For so many years people always tried to put me off a relationship with her, for some reason so many saw bad in her I never understood it. Yet suddenly there it was for me to see in plain sight yet I still didn’t want to see it. Although I do think many were just envious of what we had and I cannot pretend like people did not put pressure on our relationship too. I wanted so badly to hate her but I couldn’t, one step at a time I was going to rebuild. Loneliness is probably the scariest thing in the world, but it wasn’t just that it was the person that was no longer there, I could never explain how much at the time she meant to me. We always had such a natural connection and it never took much for us to fall in love with each other either, in many ways we were both lost souls but she was starting to find her way and I needed to let her do that.

I could have ranted about it for hours, it was so hard to take and once again I was starting from scratch absolutely nothing left. So I could have given up there and then but I chose not too and instead I made a plan and I wrote many letters ect. It took time to get over her and actually everything else seemed pretty minor compared to this.

Its funny someone asked me the other day “would you ever get back together with her” my answer was simple a simple “no” but let me expand upon this. I have learnt to value you myself far more and I quite simply cannot forget what has gone before I am so much better than that and being treated like crap is not part of my plans for the future. That’s not to say I hate her or don’t care about her because I do and probably always will, but I am so much stronger. If she needed my help I would be there but I am someone who tried to help people generally anyway if I can.

I did start to get clarity by myself and I even wrote a letter to her expressing the fact it was time for me to forgive and it was also time for me to apologise for anything I had done to hurt her during and prior to the breakup. I did miss her family, I mean her brothers felt like family to me, it hurt not seeing them not buying Christmas presents for them(although last Christmas I was pretty ill and in hospital). But in my letter I wanted to end any ill feeling too, there was enough of that for many months I waited a while to send it as I didn’t want it to interfere with her birthday amongst other things. I felt at peace at last and things were so much better.

Rebuilding 

I started to focus on me, I can pretend it was super easy but it wasn’t I had so many hurdles to jump, so many issues to deal with and every day was a challenge. Yet I realised something; I had been free from gambling for an age now and I was making progress.  I had lost 3 stone in around a month during/before the breakup (okay super unhealthy, never will I water fast again!).  The next step, I set up a business an events company something that I knew I could do.  We had our first few events and everything was okay, I didn’t see this progress at the time but they were big steps. I started off volunteering as well, its always easier to focus on others first and it gave me an opportunity to reflect too.

A few months further down the line I got a job, okay it’s not the best job in the world and far from what I had done but I started to develop in so many ways. I had my business making progress had a job and good people started appearing before me. I made a number of friends, I went on some dates which took nearly 8 months for me to be ready to do so. Yet still I wasn’t seeing the progress I was making, you are often so blinded by the past you don’t see the present (That’s actually not a bad quote! on my instagram you go).

So here we are to this day today, where am I you ask?

Well I took some big steps and my business is now working directly with my local council on a number of projects still getting off the ground but amazing progress. I have more friends than I could have imagined if you spoke to me a year back. There is more to my life then there was before and its sort of weird the amount of girls who have tried it with me but I have become increasingly picky and I am seeing someone but never will I let it overshadow what I want to achieve (or so I say). I’m also doing some work which I have tied in with my business to help others to see if we can do something that will actually make a difference to people’s lives. Now this is no fairy tale I still have lots of stress, problems and challenges but it is a world apart from where I was. I still work part time and I do enjoy it I even got a promotion too so I can’t complain and it gives me the chance to do things that have a positive impact generally speaking in something I enjoy.

Sometimes people just need a chance, they need a break in their lives and hopefully I can help provide that for a few.

So a few what sparked me to right all of this, well for over a year I wanted to do this but previously when I started a few people put me off and I let them succeed in that. However a few weeks back now on my way home from a shift I was attacked and it was pretty extreme but could have been so much worse (I don’t want to give this the time it doesn’t deserve). Then I saw the pain and suffering of a friend and I realised some things. Firstly I am incredibly loved, the amount of people who visited me was unimaginable a year ago, I got presents and even had fruit fed to me! But I have had a good 4 weeks of reflection and it has given me a chance to see everything for what it is. That’s not to say I can’t keep making progress and achieve even more which I am determined to do and even have some pretty big plans for next year (no spoilers! Sorry!).

So I plan on expanding upon the present in the coming months (he says nearly 5000 words in) but I wanted to give a background and some context to everything, maybe even some hope for others. There is no doubt there is a lot more that I can expand on in the past too and some subjects that I may touch on though I may edit this on a daily basis as I think of more elements to add to it.

Needless to say there is always a way back I’m still finding mine and if you search hard enough you will find it too.

Everything is so much clearer now….

“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm”
― Winston Churchill

#Life #Love #Gambling #Mistakes #StillLearning #Progress #Relationships #Understanding #Remembering #Depression #Anxiety #LongRead #Motivation #MentalHealth #Troubles #Fighting